Counseling & Mental Health

hope health parthnership with Faith GichangA

Professional Counselor

Contact: therapy@kenyapartners.org

A Behavioral Health Partnership providing access to a variety of Kenyan services and tools designed to help you with depression, anxiety, substance use, and everyday challenges.

FAMILY MATTERS: MASTERING THE ART OF FIGHTING FAIR

Even the most passionate love partners do occasionally hit a rocky road, conflict is unavoidable. The key to conquering conflict lies in empathy, active listening, understanding that both parties have a ‘dog in the fight’, and aware that disagreements will happen, and the most important thing is to create a safe space for accepting and resolving disagreements.

Picture an environment where trust reigns supreme and partners fearlessly voice differences without the worry of some sort of punishment, abandonment, or exploitation – in other words, fighting fair.

For couples to fight fair and create a safe environment for disagreements, the following ground rules may need to be observed:

  i.            No ultimatums: These are non-negotiable demands. Fair fighting is about active listening, allowing each person room to negotiate.

  ii.            No one is a winner: If one of you loses, you both lose, it's about learning and growing together.

  iii.            Speak your truth: Do not let conflict or fear silence your voice; gently find a way, space and time to say exactly what you mean.

  iv.            Avoid accusations and attacks: Own your feelings before pointing fingers. In developed countries we call this using the “I” pronoun and avoiding “you”.  For example, instead of saying, “You are mad at me all the time”, you’d say, “I feel like you are mad at me all the time”.

  v.            Repeat and confirm what you think you heard: Ensure your partner’s messages are received and acknowledged as intended. Confirm, the spoken word and the intended meaning.

  vi.            Silence is not always golden: Resist the allure of the silent treatment, as this is a form of abandonment. If the disagreement is ‘hot’, try to take a time-out and state when to reengage the conversation.

  vii.            Avoid use of sex to manipulate your partner: Sex is sometimes used as a tool or weapon in an argument, either by withdrawing the privileges or by engaging in it to avoid facing conflicts. Glossing over the issue is not an option.

  viii.            Stay present and focused: Constructive fights need to focus on the present - the issues at hand. Resurrecting past simply exacerbates the disagreement.

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Discuss the above points (plan) with your partner, when love is still supreme - you owe it to each other. It will be extremely difficult to think straight when in-conflict, the last think in your mind is talking about a safe environment for disagreements.

In case you need help before, during or after a disagreement, to keep you love going, we recommend contacting a good family and marriage counselor at Hope Kenya - we can help!

By FG.

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Love, The Toxic Kind

By FG…

February is the month of love…” Mapenzi, Wendo, Uthaando, etc..” And you may be wondering why your version of love feels more laborious, less joyful and a bit unfulfilling.

 Could it be that you have mistaken co-dependency for love? A co-dependent relationship is where a person forms an unhealthy attachment to their partner - excessively relying on them for all their emotional needs, to the point where their own well-being is neglected. Is this you?

 For example, you may always prioritize the needs of another person above your own, even though it makes you miserable. You feel that you cannot be okay unless the other person is okay.

 Overcoming co-dependency involves self-awareness and taking steps to establish healthier boundaries and self-care. This is not easy to do, but we can assist you.

 Mental Health Minute.

A Hope Health Partner.